Let Them Grovel

Once in a while it is good to let people have time to really think about what they have done - be it good, bad or indifferent.  Let them stew, let them process, let them grovel.

Its usually not a good thing to give in immediately.  There is no sense in showing your cards...

Baseball Is Boring

Truth be told, I am a football kinda gal.  Baseball isn't really my thing, but as a red blooded American living in mid-America I go to a few games and love being a part of the crowd.

Today is "Opening Day" and as life would  have it the KC Royals and St. L Cardinals are both playing their openers away.  Also as life would have it the schedule exhibition game between the St Louis and Springfield Cards was canceled due to the weather being 31 degrees the other night.

I will embrace the funky chicken, the 7th Inning Stretch and of course Cold Beer and Peanuts.  PLAY BALL!!

Tell The Whole Story

Apparently there is some confusion.  So here goes:

The landscaper has been a client for a while, and has apparently been completely infatuated with me since the day we met in late 2007.  I had never really talked to him or thought anything more of him than any other person. Although, he is pretty cute. He always sat on the opposite side of the room from me and anytime I said hi to him he clammed up and turned red. I assumed he was just really shy and moved on with my day.  When he needed service for his pups he would usually text.  The times that he did call he stuttered and stammered along, again I just assumed he was painfully shy.

This past summer he started having to go up to Nebraska frequently because his uncle was sick. We talked quite a bit via text message, it was really just Q&A and an occasional "Hey you haven't needed service, so I hope all is well with your uncle, you're all in my prayers".  Nothing major, just friendly.

My grandmother, who lives in Arizona, was scheduled to have back surgery while he was on a trip to Nebraska. She was supposed to go in Wednesday and my mom, who lives in Florida, was going to go out on Friday to bring her home from the hospital and care for her for a couple weeks following her surgery.  He knew about the surgery and was returning the friendly gesture by keeping tabs on how my Grandmother was doing. While he was up in Nebraska things with my family got a little hectic.  My mother collapsed at the country club and had to go in for an emergency hysterectomy.  SO that changes things quite a bit.  I was now flying out to take care of my grandmother since my mother was obviously in no shape to fly across the country, more less be a caregiver herself.

He was scheduled to be home around dinner time on Thursday and I was getting on plane mid-afternoon Thursday.  There was only a three hour window, but with highway traffic and airplanes neither of us were willing to take a chance.  Needless to say we did a bit of communicating to be certain that his uncle was stable and that the furkids were not going to be neglected or miss a meal or potty break!  

All the sudden the roles were reversed and he was checking on and praying for me. I spent the entire month of September in Arizona taking care of my Grandmother and making arrangements for her after I came back home.  Somehow, by the grace of God, his uncle did well and he did not need to go up to Nebraska the month I was gone...however I had a sitter on stand-by just in case.

While I was in Arizona we texted constantly.  We couldn't really talk because there was a big time difference, grandma slept on and off and most of the time he was around mowers and noisy equipment.  He woke me up daily, not realizing until a month or so after I got home there was a three hour time difference. Oops...I didn't mind.  He made me smile.  I'm not sure at what point exactly I realized I had a major big crush on him, but by the time I got home I was ready to fall into his arms.

The Tuesday I flew home, his uncle passed.  I was on the runway at the airport when he called me. As soon as he hung up with me, he left for Nebraska.  That trip was agonizing for him - we talked, a lot.  We shared stories about family, we shared information about one another, I tried to stay positive for him and be his "bright spot".  

By the time we finally kissed for the first time, we were both already falling for one another.  Refer back to Rule #11 - Its In His Kiss.  We had spent so much time talking and texting that we'd actually developed a relationship with one another based on communication.  Completely forgotten concept in 2010!

In October he went in for some tests because he had been having headaches and some strange pains. What they found was a cancer in his hip. Thanks to being a volunteer and advocate for the American Cancer Society since my daddy passed, I knew in my heart what those tests were going to say.  I didn't know where, but I knew it was cancer.  The next month he had lots of questions and I had nothing but answers and support to give.  We both decided right then and there that our paths had crossed for a reason, and he'd spent three years pining for me in secret because he needed me now, not back then.  I guess that was our way of justifying things.

The medicine made him sick and I tried to offer my support and encouragement as much as he would let me.  He hated the thought of me seeing him like that...after all, he is a tough guy.  He tried to convince me that this was HIS battle and that I didn't need to worry.  He also knew that his being sick just reopened the memory of losing my daddy.  He continued on the meds and tried to push his treatments off until after Christmas.  His first chemo cycle was on my 30th birthday.  His second chemo cycle was on kickoff for Relay For Life.  His third was Valentines Day.  Needless to say, it was a long winter. He has been getting increasingly sick from the treatments and is overwhelmed.  I was "the warm spot in his heart" and "what kept him going".  He has been trying really, really hard to fight this battle alone - repeating that this is "his deal" and to please not tell anyone that he was sick.  I can respect that.  He has not really pushed me away, but he is certainly not let me be there as much as either of us would like me to be there.  See Rule #7 - Catch and Release.

While all of this is going on, I was in two - yes two, car accidents.  Tuesday before Thanksgiving I was rear ended while sitting at a stoplight.  Again January 24th I was rear ended while sitting at a stop light.  The January accident totaled my car and damn near took me out as well.  Somehow I went from being the supportive, cheerful one in the relationship to being the one needing the support.  I was miserable and in a great deal of pain.  It ended up that I had severe whiplash, a vertibre that was way out of line, two bulging disks and some tears in my shoulder.  I was on too many pills to even know my name for a few weeks.

He was dealing with chemo treatment that is having ZERO effect on his cancer and I was dealing with spine and neck injuries. We were both completely focused on the other and at the same time trying to run our business and keep ourselves alive.

What really upset me was the day I went in for my shoulder scope, I sent him a text message that said simply "baby I'm really scared".  He replied back "Don't be, I'm feeling good today and my blood work came back at steady levels last week".  I replied back "I'm having my shoulder scope today, but I'm glad you're having a good day today."  I was more than a little heartbroken at his reply and felt like he was totally selfish and didn't care about me in the least.  Granted my shoulder was NOTHING when compared to battling cancer. But being the dumb emotional woman that I am, I decided I would give him a little letting alone.  In his defense I shouldn't have expected him to remember what day I was going in to the Orthopedic and my text was less than exacting on why I was scared.  I left the ball in his court.  The next couple days I really didn't pick up the phone or laptop much because I slept most of the time. (See Rule #12 - The Nurse Lies for commentary on the shoulder scope)  In the subsequent days we talked a couple times, but didn't see one another.  It has just been mostly texts and tears the last couple weeks, my heart has had enough.  See Rule #18 - Stop Crying.

Monday I sent him an email asking him to drop my cd in the mail - knowing he wasn't in any shape to get out and see me and also knowing I didn't have the emotional wit about me to go visit him after being so disappointed.  See Rule #21 - Life Isn't Always Great and also Rule #23 - Stop Crying, Really This Time. 

And today, ladies and gentlemen, is Wednesday.  I hope that everything is clear as mud now.  

Stop Crying, Really This Time

Out of sight, out of mind (read completely on my mind)!  I'm sticking to my brilliant (read asinine) plan to give him a good letting alone, but making myself completely miserable. I heard a song on the radio, and remembered he had my cd in his truck still.  No big deal really - not like it is one of my favorites (Read one of my total favs to rock out to in the car).

I sent him and email that read: "Can you please take 30 seconds out of your life to drop my XXXX cd in the mail.  Please and Thanks."  Looking back it is a little cold, but not meant to be malicious in any way.

His reply: "Yes I will take thirty seconds out of my GREAT life to send you your cd. Sorry to see things have gone that way, I was afraid of that. Good luck."

My reply: "I'm truly, deeply sorry that your life isn't great right now.  All I have done is openly love you and encourage you.  I have tried to make some aspect of your days better.  And I will always love you and care for you.  I don't understand why one email asking for a CD took such a terrible tail spin."

His reply: "If your still willing I would love to have you for the dogs, they bark about you all the time. Sorry my communication sucks these days."

My reply: "I really wish it weren't just the pups who missed me"

And once again I can't stop crying.   This is ridiculous!!

Say Goodbye

I have been struggling with saying goodbye.  I don't really want to say goodbye, but at the same time, it is long overdue.

I have been having an affair.  I will never say that it is the right thing to do, but nonetheless I did it.

I can't for the life of me even remember how it started.  I remember the first time he came over.  I had had what was quite possibly the most miserable day you can imagine - I had been crying and was pretty much just emotionally overwhelmed.  I had absolutely no desire to put on something cute and pretend to be flirty and fun.  So I didn't.  He came over and we watched tv for a bit and honestly it turned into quite a nice make out session.  And it stopped at that.  I sent him home and we started seeing each other on Wednesday nights, pretty consistently, for the next year or so.  His schedule got a little more complicated and we've had to see one another when we could.  We get to spend quite a few evenings together out with mutual friends or at events, but rarely have we actually been able to curl up with one another.

Along with his schedule being increasingly difficult to accommodate time together, he has also been increasingly more interested in every aspect of my life.  I don't ever expect him to leave his wife, as a matter of fact him being married is one of the factors that has kept our affair uncomplicated.  He always has to go home, he obviously isn't interested in more commitment and most importantly he isn't interested in having more kids.  ALL BONUSES!!

Apparently he has had a change of heart in the matter and is more interested in commitment.  He doesn't want to leave his wife and run off together - but he wants to be more involved in my life.  Yeah, I am so not interested in that option.

So with less and less time available on his side for spending time alone, and with more and more interest in being a part of my life - I do believe it is time to say goodbye.  And that is ok.  It has been nice having someone who genuinely cares about my interests and is satisfying in extracurricular activities.

Life Is Not Always Great

There are things in life that are great, there are days that are great, there are great turn outs and even Great Danes.  But life, as it turns out, is not always great.

Once in a while life throws us curves, and hopefully we learn to swerve...

Noone asks for relationships to go bad - yes I mean spoil.  No two people will ever enter into a relationship that is void of arguments, struggles or hardships.  It is part of the relationship - be it business or personal.  No one asks to be diagnosed with cancer, no one wants to ever let a furkid cross the rainbow, no one wants to be in a car accident (let alone three). 

These challenges are things that you work through together and hopefully it not only makes you a stronger individual, but it allows your relationship to grow as well.  Then again, perhaps those challenges just make you grow apart in your relationships because you want to bottle up your feelings and struggle alone.

Nice Guys DO Exist

I met a guy about six months ago, truth be told I was kinda into him until I got to know him.  He's a great guy.  The more time I spent with him and the more I got to know him, the more I really just enjoyed his friendship.  He has become like a brother to me...and he is just fun to be around.  Its just easy.

We talk about football...Go Chiefs!  We talk about the weather...we both work outside most of the time.  We talk about the horrible way teenagers dress...and wonder where their parents are.  We laugh about horrible fences in the Ozarks...and I text him addresses of those that needs his TLC.  Its really just friendly banter and getting to know one another.

For the first time in our friendship we had a "real" conversation.  It was heartwarming and sad all at the same time.  He is genuinely an amazing guy who deserves the perfect girl.  Well not perfect...but she should spend as much time on her hair as he does...

Anyways, most of our conversations are lite and playful.  He is going through a miserable divorce with a seemingly manipulative and rude woman.  I just got out of a 7 year relationship.  On the odd occasion one of us brings up said relationships, its because we're having a bad day.  Todays conversation was about a seemingly wonderful date last night with a potential new gal:

"I've been on group dates and such, but this was my first real date, the first time I've just been able to relax and cuddle with someone, and the first time I got to sleep beside someone. I literally didn't sleep at all last night because I liked the feeling so much and didn't want it to stop. I forgot what it was like to watch someone wake up and smile the first smile of the day."

After I wiped away a tear, it made me realize that nice guys are still out there, you can go have a romantic dinner then curl up and cuddle.  There are guys out there who just want to make you smile and feel your heart beat.  **Shocking, I know**

In this day in age where "friends with benefits" and "one night stands" are common practice...its really really nice to know that there is at least one nice guy on the planet.  And I have the privilege of calling him a friend.

Do Whats Best For Business

It is no secret that I LOVE BNI and know the amazing benefits of being a part of a strong chapter.  I have been in the same chapter since I joined in 2007.  I have always been a huge cheerleader and supporting role for my chapter - I have been guilty of pushing the kool-aide on more than one occasion.

The last coupe weeks I have really been evaluating my chapter.  It is Spring Break season and I have been super busy.  It is becoming increasingly difficult to manage taking 2 hours out of the middle of my day for a meeting and also cover all of my clients as I think is fair.  So I've been considering a morning chapter.  To make matters more complicated, there has been a little outbreak of drama and unfortunately the outbreak was directly related to a two or three person faction that is spreading like a cancer through the group.  What started as a minor little detail has turned into a snowball and an all out nitpick fest of everyone and everything in the chapter.  It really makes me sad. It creates disappointment.  Most of all it makes me lose respect for some of my most respected business partners.

I guess its time to seriously think about what is best for my business and my needs...I can't stay in a chapter just because people want me to stay and fix things.  Its really not about them.  Its not even about me...its about my business and doing what is best for closing deals.

I can't take phone calls, text messages and facebook chats at all hours of the day from people creating drama who expect me to fix it.  They have to confront people themselves and fill out complaint forms.  I can't magic things better if they don't want to follow procedures...hell Im pretty sure I can't magic things better even if they DO follow procedures.

**sigh**

Stop Crying!

I was more than a little tired of being constantly disappointed and decided maybe it was time to give him a good letting alone.  After a week of not so much as sending him a text message, I passed him on the highway today and started crying uncontrollably like a fool.

Apparently out of sight, out of mind works really well...until you're on highway 65.

:(

BNI Is NOT A Dating Pool.

That old saying "don't mix business with pleasure" so holds true!  I belong to BNI and think its a wonderful organization.  I get quite a bit of business and since I see the same people every week, at least once a week, we get to know one another pretty well.  A little too well...

I met a guy through BNI, use his company for all of my needs in that professional category.  Well we may or may not have started seeing one another.  It was, and is, quite the informal affair - truth be told.  Most people in my life...well all of the people in my life but one...don't even know about him.  And quite frankly there is no reason to know about him.

After a year and a half of this nice arrangement, apparently he has blurred the lines.  He recently decided he wanted to get more involved.  **sigh** It goes without saying that if I wanted him to be more involved in my life, we wouldn't just call one another when we were lonely.  Needless to say when I put in an order the other day, it was more than a little awkward. 

So about that old saying...Don't mix business with pleasure.

It Is OK To Take A Day Off...I Think...Maybe...

I don't take time off.  I work all the time...but my work isn't exactly a 9a-5p tethered to a desk kind of job.

I own a pet sitting company where we go to people's homes to take care of their furkids.  We take dogs for walks, we offer treats and tummy goochens than any furkid left in our charge, we even spend the night with them while their owners are away at work or play.  It is a pretty good gig...I would NEVER dream of having to get a "real job" or change career paths.

The only bummer is paperwork.  I meet with my CPA on Sunday.  She called me and asked if I could do Sunday lunch with her and then sit down to go through my books.  That ladies and gentlemen means I have a deadline.  I don't exactly keep up with entering my receipts and bank statements like I should.  I am ALWAYS on top of invoicing and client records...but that whole book keeping thing - HA not so much.  Truth be told the last bank rec I did was sitting in her office LAST tax season when she was showing me how to do it all myself so that I wouldn't have to pay her to do it for me.  **snicker**

So I have an years worth of receipts and papers and bank recs I should have been entering today since I had a light client load.  However today is the first sunny, warm day we have had in months.  I played outside with the pups earlier, I took a nap in the Adirondack chair with another clients pup, I took Anna and Sig for an especially long walk and even let them play in an open field because it was so nice, I made an extra visit to a couple pups who had been crated since 7am because it was too lovely to leave them inside all day...uhhuh quickbooks is so not on that list of things that I did today.

I am hereby declaring that it is OK to take a day off once in a while.  I have smiled and laughed most of the day - which is a huge departure from how I have spent the better part of the last month.  That being said...Im off to Nixa to walk two dogs before the sun sets.

You Start It, You Finish It!!

Thank you for calling me pissed off and leaving a mean message.  Thank you for also texting me "Call Me Right Now!" while I was in a meeting, yes I went ahead and called you because, I thought it was something life threatening or of dyer importance.

Now that you have me on the phone, don't scream at me about something you have no knowledge, no part in and no business yelling at me about.

Now that I've hung up the phone after being more than polite to you because I was in public and with a business associate - don't spent the rest of the night and the subsequent day texting me ALL DAY LONG about the same subject.  Again - you don't know the story, you weren't there, you had NOTHING to do with the situation and you have no solutions.

Now that you have spent 36 hours texting me - berating me, yelling at me, telling me how horrible of a person I am and offering up solutions which have proven to be useless and not feasible (which I told you before even wasting the time to look into them) we are in the SAME EXACT place we were when you initially called me.

Oh but now, all of the sudden you have work to do so you wish to call a "truce" until 8am.  Oh so you can begin telling me how awful I am, how Im not doing all that I can do, maybe offering me more useless solutions, taking me away from clients??  GREAT IDEA!!

Have you lost your @#$^&%* mind?  No No No...you pulled me out of a meeting, you ruined my entire day and you wasted my time.  Just because the timing has become inconvenient for you doesn't mean we can just pick it up in the morning when its better for you.

Direct Lines of Communication Are Always BEST!

If I refer business to you and the business deal doesn't come together according to the time line discussed, I don't expect you to call me and have me play middle man. I also don't expect the sales person to call the customer. I expect you as the deal maker and business owner to call the customer directly that you made the deal with and have an open, honest line of communication.

If you did call me, the very first question I would ask is "Did you call so-in-so to discuss the matter with them yet?"  When you said no, Id direct you to do so...because that is the adult thing to do.  There is no sense in involving me or the sales person - that just muddies the water and causes mixed messages. 

Furthermore, if you do have the sales person playing middle man, make sure they are conveying the same message you as the owner wish to convey.  If a sales person tells the customer that everything is fine and just keep them posted - I as a consumer am going to think that everything is fine and I am going to keep you posted as more information comes forth.

People Are Assholes!

I said it...loud and clear, spell check made sure I didn't stutter.

There are days when its rainy and nasty outside.  When you're in a great deal of pain.  When you're emotionally overwhelmed.  When you have a full schedule of things you really don't want to do.  When you're stressed to the hilt and just trying to keep it all together.

So, you go ahead and put on a happy face and decide, what the hell...maybe if I put some positive vibes out in the universe my day will get better.  Only, all of the assholes of the world come out in full force and make sure you have a shitty day nonetheless.  (DO NOT insert comments about making your own day and choosing your attitude.  That could cause rage and loss of life...namely yours)

Thanks for being super supportive guys...really, I appreciate it.  Oh and ps, next time you're having a bad day - I won't be there **Shaking Pom-Poms** and saying nice things because I know its what you really need.  Instead, I'm pretty sure I will mutter something about putting on your big girl panties and call a waaaaa-mbulance.

The Nurse LIES!!

Today was the arthroscope and MRI of my shoulder from the accident.  I pre-registered on Friday and was ready to go (read scared to death because of the horror stories I've heard about the side effects of the injected dye).  I got there at 1:30pm as scheduled, I didn't have to wait!  NO WAY!  I actually got checked right in and taken back to get the process started.

**Random side note**  They do a pregnancy test at every set of doors you walk through - that in itself cracks me up.  By the way...three tests later, still not pregnant!  ps, there really is no chance Im ever going to be pregnant, but you know test away!

So about the nurse that lies...she was very very nice.  She explained the procedure in detail, answered all of my questions, helped me change into a gown, packed away my things for the procedure and even offered me a magazine!  I asked her about the needle and the pain level...HA  she lied!  Boy did she lie!!

She said it was a pretty small needle and that the injection tube wasn't that big either.  UHM the needle was like 4 inches long and the tube was the diameter of a stir stick!  They shoved that in my shoulder and routed around.  Once the anesthetic set in, it wasn't so bad....and since they didn't knock me out I got to see some of what was going on...until it grossed me out.

Its In His Kiss

Aretha Franklin has a great song "It's In His Kiss"...truer lyrics have never been sung!

Is it in his eyes...Is it in his arms...How about the way he acts...its in his kiss...

I remember the first kiss like it was minutes ago...my head was spinning the rest of the day.  It was barely 6:30 in the morning and I was on my way to a meeting.  He tasted like toothpaste, his lips were cracked from the sun, his beard was prickly and tickled my cheek, his hands were coarse from working dusk to dawn since he was a teenager...he felt good on my lips and so warm in my arms!

But that was in September...

Attach the Cushion

We had these things called "Dane Dates" where we would all gather with the Great Danes on a sunny afternoon and help one another out with bathing, cleaning out ears and trimming toe nails....this was most helpful when there was an influx of fosters.

I being the "ultimate toe nail clipper" was perched on the chase lounge, clippers in hand having a grand ole time as the kids finished with their bath and towel drying.  Each one would come over, lay on the chase half in my lap getting a nice trim.  Well...it seemed orderly enough until I realized the cushion on the chase hadn't been attached.  Heh.  Trinity...the sweetest tri-pod "teacup" Dane you have ever seen...was up next.  She'd had her bath, she'd been toweled dry, her ears were clean and she had taken her place in my lap for her pedicure.  Then Boris joined the party - he was half in my lap, half on the edge of the cushion...

Picture this:  Iron chase lounge in the middle of the back yard, with soft cream cushion.  Sweet unsuspecting pet sitter kinda in the middle sitting indian style.  Even sweeter unsuspecting teacup Dane sitting between said pet sitter and the back of the chase.  Boris, the 187 pound male Dane, sitting with his butt half on my lap and half on the edge of the chase - both front feet on the ground.  Hmmmm....odd we seem to be sliding.  WAIT..whats going on...why are we moving...BUMMER!

Next thing you know, Im on my back on the ground, poor Trinity is on top of me and well big ole Boris is on top of us all twisted around not able to stand up.

Now there are half a dozen people all standing around...  Oddly enough they were all laughing too hard to help un-pile us, but all of them seem to have pictures of the event on their phones and cameras. Even more odd, those pictures are STILL surfacing!

You Cannot Pet The Pet Mobile

You can however hang your head out the window to feel the wind in your face.

NO you cannot hug the pet mobile either. Yes, I understand it is "so cute you just want to hug it", but nonetheless it is a Scion - you don't hug vehicles.  Not even pet mobiles. 

Much to my delight the pet mobile has become iconic in this town.  People call, facebook and text at every spotting of the pet mobile.  It is much like "Where's Waldo" only the pet mobile is really really easy to spot...just look for the silver Scion Xb with the yellow, teal and purple paw prints!!  Remind me to have a contest where there are prizes for "spotting" the pet mobile.  (Pun very much intended)

I love what I do for a living...I am truly blessed to wake up each morning and care for furkids all day.  Between the "nose art" on the windows from clients who have been pet taxied to the cards left by furkids thanking me for caring for them, I am continuously reminded how lucky I am to be doing what I have a passion for while providing a niche service.

They always come back...

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, (which it always will) make it pay half the bills. If it doesn't, hunt it down and castrate it. Did I say that???